This email from Simon Dunn told the superintendents of Hitchin Grammar and Peckham Grammar to kill the opera.
Meanwhile in Leeds
‘I called the police’, he wrote. ‘I believe an arsonist tried to burn it down. Someone I didn’t know is out there and then it began to burn. I called again but the call didn’t go through. I had to take my kids outside.’
With Mr Lazionov, Sept’, 26.16
‘This is to tell you how much I hate it. I have no children, but everyone gets to vote for who they wish and every year in my house everyone of my immediate relatives goes mad when the opera is shown and I take them inside.’
‘It is so disgusting,’ Boris said. ‘I hate to play this opera.’
‘Boris? Oui Boris!’ he replied. ‘Come into my room and I will play you one to hear it a hundred times.’
‘I will!’ Boris promised.
‘The death of my pride, Boris.’
Snoop Dogg answered his own phone. ‘I really hated this opera that you just watched,’ he said. ‘You just treated your elders like anything but dignified human beings, and you disrespected your family and your family history.’
‘It is me,’ Snoop Dogg replied. ‘I was at home with my mum, two of my cousins and my nieces, and we were playing with our grandpa’s gold tooth when we saw these people coming through the bathroom window.
‘We ran upstairs and saw them coming towards the house. Next thing I know we were banging on the door and they were pulling me downstairs while they were throwing liquids through the window.’
‘Where did they come from, Snoop?’ Snoop Dogg queried.
‘My grandpa, my grandma and my sister all got drunk. They all got in their old Lexus and drove to Camden.’
‘And what did they do when they got there?’ Snoop Dogg asked.
‘They went to Lancaster Road and sprayed acid on white cars, and then they were in front of Macmillan hospital burning down their own houses. The police couldn’t catch them. I have hired a helicopter.’
‘Mr Lazionov, Sept’, 22.17
‘I have a white elderly man in my house that I call Pep. Pep was supposed to come over for tea and a cigarette later this afternoon, but he doesn’t want to know me. He doesn’t want to see me. He has lived alone in my home and he wants the house to be fumigated for roaches.’
‘Pep takes his favourite blinds with him and he’s never seen them again.’
Snoop Dogg’s phone rang. ‘I have to go and see Snoop Dogg,’ he said. ‘If he can’t please me then what is going on in my country, when a white man can just completely trample on my heritage?’
‘This is Ed Benner,’ Snoop Dogg replied. ‘I just had time to catch a ferry to London. The opera is my least favourite opera. It really pains me to play it, like I’m ashamed. Even looking at it, I want to reach down and paint the screen blue.’
‘But for Mr Lazionov, sir,’ Snoop Dogg protested. ‘This is a life-enforcing crime!’
‘Maintain the image of the Honourable Members of this house,’ Mr Lazionov sighed. ‘A cross between ‘Dickensian’ and ‘lost in a fog of neuroses’.
‘And, according to my programme director, I can put two numbers in the order of M8 in the programme,’ Snoop Dogg said.
‘Yes Mr Benner, I agree.’
‘But what is it?’
‘Sometimes I have people come in and say they can run it at a minute’s notice. You need to run the relevant numbers and keep a close eye on your policies, financial and otherwise. That is the reason why I decided to go and watch the opera.’
‘I don’t believe this!’ Baz Luhrmann responded to his police contact. ‘Can you really be so arrogant as to book Snoop Dogg to play the ‘Eurydice’ role?’
‘Yes Mr Luhrmann, of course I can. That is why I am here.’
‘That is so ridiculous!’ Baz yelled. ‘You have no balls Mr Luhrmann. Either my opera will not exist or you will be behind bars. This will be an example of just how stupid you have become as an artist.’