Is this man happy or sad?

He cared about me. We’d had our ups and downs. We’d fallen out and got back together. We’d done this – it was always our little deal.

He was – well, he was of this Earth. And with this Earth, he showed the love of a thousand.

He proposed. Bought an engagement ring. Stuff like that.

And then on August 19th this year, right when I was going crazy, there he was, washing his hands. Hurrying home. Sweaty. Pushing his jacket aside, dumping his socks on the floor and sweeping the vomit from the floor. A bit pathetic, don’t you think?

He was sitting there, on the couch. Watching football. Football on TV. Brimming with warmth and love. And then, bam. He just said it.

We had both said it. But now he said it. Or maybe he just said it out loud. He’d had enough of all of this, you know.

I left the house. Back to my dorm room. A spare room on the top floor of the dorm at the university in Kerala.

Nobody could contact me. You can imagine how angry I was, how shiver-shit devastated I was. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I felt like a ruined person, a beatifical pathetic sausage with nosedives.

I sat down, on the floor, and wrote down my every thought.

* I am wondering if my wedding photos could be the same way*

* Wondering if I could just have this moment by myself*

* I hate the way my hair is – so can you please chop the hell off my hair?*

* He thinks his parents would be pleased to know he gave up a plum job to marry me*

* You know your parents think you’re stupid and wrong. It’s the only thing they remember about you*

* He thinks I’m stupid and wrong, but would also probably divorce me *would* shortly*

* What if that was true? * My parents didn’t approve of this marriage*

* What if he was trying to break me up with him?*

* What if he was just trying to pretend to break up with me to make me feel better.*

* What if he’s seeing someone else again??*

* What if he’s seeing someone else again?*

* What if that’s someone I should’ve known was ‘ours’?*

* What if he’s just deliberately trying to break me up with him?*

* What if I realise it’s just jealousy and that I’m the one who broke up with him?*

* What if this man is cheating on me and I keep covering up for him?*

* What if I just find out he can’t have a relationship?*

* What if he leaves me in the future and wants to take me with him?*

* What if I change my mind?*

* What if I stay?*

* What if I leave again?*

* What if I stay this time and come back to be the wife?*

* What if I don’t?*

* What if I just sit and watch TV and live my life now?*

* What if this is it?*

* What if this is the end?*

* What if it’s too late?*

* What if I realise he was the one who broke me up with me?*

* What if he won’t come back?*

* What if we can’t figure it out?*

* What if I don’t figure it out?*

* What if this means nothing?*

* What if I knew?*

* What if it never happens?*

* What if it does?*

* What if I knew the question ‘What if this means nothing?’ was a lie?*

* What if it’s over?*

* What if I love him more than I love you?*

* What if I just keep going for my happiness?*

* What if I have to stay because I just cannot live without this guy?*

* What if I do this for you guys?*

* What if I can’t leave him?*

* What if he can’t leave me?*

* What if we can’t leave each other?*

* What if we

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